New Addition to the Family

Yesterday we gained a new addition to our family, a lovely little fella. Lauren's been really excited all week, I've been checking on the scamp, making sure he's OK before we took full responsibility of him. Every night I'd go out onto the roof and make sure the fat pigeons hadn't nibbled his face off. Finally, he was ready and I brought him inside and we washed his delicate little body. Lauren's eyes lit up as soon as she saw how he'd come out and she just wanted to hold him straight away. We let him get used to the flat for a few hours while we ate our dinner, then decided the get to know each other a bit better.

Strawberry Joe

So here he is, Strawberry Joe.

Obviously we took a few photos with him and admired his size and beauty. The first strawberry from our roof, a deep red, not too squashy with an awesome shock of green hair.

Tragedy

We were well proud.

But tragedy struck! Somehow he split in two. I had a knife in my hand, it might have been that. Somehow in that moment Strawberry Joe was gone and our grief overwhelmed us. Things went crazy, I...WE acted out of character. That's the only way I can put it.

A Strawberry's Funeral

We ate Strawberry Joe.

We didn't mean to eat this delicious, plump strawberry.

Maybe it was for the best, though I'm worried he might come back to haunt us.  Hopefully his brothers and sisters will fair better when they come in from the roof...

Cheers,

Mark

Amazing Writing Advice #12: Plot and Structure

Plot and structure are really important. You can't have a story without them. So I thought I'd show you my plot and structure.

Here's my plot:

and here's my structure:

Cheers,

Mark

Clear Editorial: A Rambling Review Thing

Quite a lot of the time writing feels like standing in a pitch black room with an elephant while shouting, 'Crumpets!'; pointless, dangerous and you've no idea if you have or ever will achieve something worthwhile.

Good feedback is the stuff of dreams. But getting feedback from people that really know something can be tough (that'll upset the crit group, bwa-hahahahaha!). The occasional agent might send back something helpful like, "The eighth line of the first paragraph wasn't all bad" but generally they're too busy helping out the people that are good enough to earn them some money.

So that leaves editing services and things like that. There's Cornerstones and some others that I can't be bothered to look up right now as I'm on lunch and really want to read Nick Cross's impending blog post. There's also lots of independent editors out there offering to take a look.

All these cost money. Usually quite a lot of money (in relation to the amount of money that doesn't sit in my bank account). Also what if the editor you get really, really hates the type of book you've written? On a purely subjective level I mean. I'm sure they try to avoid this happening but the idea of it still gives me the fear.

But a few weeks a go the cackling crones of SCBWI who spend their time emailing one another and occasionally turning an unfortunate illustrator into a toad posted a link to a new service  Clear Editorial set up by Tim Deakin, who worked for Egmont before going freelance and also holds the land speed record for riding a penguin (only one of those two things is a lie).

Tim offers a top line report where you send him about 5 pages and a plot outline and he'll give you some lovely feed back. Then you can decide if you want a fuller analysis, if you like Tim or just pack it all in and try a bit harder at your proper job. And this top line report costs £39.99

Yes.

£39.99!!!!!!!!!


Bargain.

As for the actual service, Tim provided the feedback by the agreed time, gave a  couple of pages overview covering plot, style and narrative in which he said nice things, highlighted what needed work (I think he could tell I didn't have a plot when I started writing it and still didn't have one by the time I finished). He also returned the extract I sent with sort of line edit-y things on it.

In summary it was marvellous, like someone flicked the light on in that pitch black room, showed me the elephant was just a fluffy kitten and gave me a laptop to do some actual writing on.

And you know, £39.99!!

So check it out if you are thinking you need some guidance or feedback (and join a crit group as they are good).

Cheers,

Mark

Amazing Writing Advice #11: The Welsh Book

The time has come to tell you people one of the most important rules known by writers. It concerns The Welsh Book. The Welsh Book must never have its name said by any author anywhere. You can't even write it, which is going to make this blog post a little tricky.

The Welsh Book was written by famous Welshman Roald Dahl (strong Welsh name, that) which is why it is referred to as The Welsh Book. Obviously I can't tell you the name but it sounds a bit like The Vitches.

The book is cursed as it contains real spells cast by the evil antagonists in it. If any author says the name of the book they will have their work refused by agents and publishers from London to Wigan. Their pens shall run dry; their paper go all crispy and yellow; their computers will take ages to start up; wine will turn to blossom Hill in their mouth; chocolate will become like rice crackers to them.

So never say the title of this book. If you do say the title your only hope is to quickly do the cleansing ritual below:

Turn three times on the spot,

Bend over and spit between your legs,

Chant, "Witches, witches, can't get me, you all smell of poo and wee."

It might work, it might not. But that's the best I can do for you.

Good luck!

Mark

Submitting to Agents via Email: A Time-Line

Wednesday Night
7:51pm: Check submission meets all the agent's guidelines. Snigger at joke in covering letter. Hit send.

7:52pm: Refresh mailbox.

7:53pm: Refresh mailbox.

7:54pm: Check submission guidelines again. Notice sending it in .Doc or .PDF weren't optional. Reassure self that scanned writing on  beermats is fine.

7:55pm: Refresh mailbox. Promise to wait until after 8pm before refreshing again.

7:59pm: Refresh mailbox.

8:01pm: Open wine. Go on twitter. Notice comment by agent. Check their time line for any comment about your MS.

8:04pm: Make funny comment to agent. If they respond they obviously love your MS.

8:10pm: They must be too busy gushing over MS to respond.

8:15pm: Finish wine.

8:25pm: Realise twitter joke to agent was just stalkerish and crazy. Pour vodka.

8:26pm: Refresh mailbox...

9:32pm: Refresh mailbox. Decide to check from another computer just in case this one's broken.

9:48pm: Reread covering letter. Notice four spelling mistakes and the joke is racist. Finish vodka. Shout at mirror. Collapse.

Please, sir, Can I be published?

Tuesday Morning


9:48am: Arrive at work late and reeking of booze. Refresh mailbox...

11:28pm: Refresh mailbox. Get suspended indefinitely as, "Mind seems to be on other things and not the heart surgery".

4 Weeks later
10:23am: Form rejection. Weep.

10:26am: Plan murder of agent.

11:32am: Start new book written on napkins stolen from KFC.

Books that Say Fart on the Front

In no way am I stuck for a blog idea!

Here are some books with 'Fart' on the front and my in-depth, expert analysis.

Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder has FART right in the centre to draw the eye immediately. This book is screaming that it's about farts and doesn't care who knows.

On Your Farts, Get Set, Go! is similar to Jo Nesbo's effort with the eye catching FARTS but this time they've worked it into an amusing pun and given the word FARTS a much more stinky look. I'm a little worried by the slightly subliminal CIA operative with a gun, is this some kind of secret brainwashing attempt?!

Will Farts Destroy the Planet has a cover where FARTS plays second fiddle to DESTROY and is clearly aimed to make you panic-buy the book and some corks.

Farts Happen is just weird. Why did they choose the camel? And an eskimo?! The cover design reminds me of those weird religious books you get where it all starts off happy but by page ten god is burning you if you don't obey him. I do like the style though.

So that was some books with FART/FARTS on the cover. I hope you enjoyed them.

Cheers,

Mark

P.S. Next week's blog will probably be Lauren apologising for this week's blog...

Kickstarter Appeal: Robot Agent

So instead of doing something interesting tonight (like go to a fancy book launch in London) I'm at home trying to save money. But I think you'll all agree that the best way to save money is to make money (or rob people*). With this in mind, earlier today, on Nick Cross's blog, I mentioned maybe he could build a robot agent instead of finding a puny, human one.

People liked this idea.

So below I have my blueprints for version #1 of my Robot Agent and some of the technical specs. if you have any questions, please, don't hesitate to ask. Obviously I'll be requiring around about £1 million to complete this project and I have a pledge scale below and what you'll get for that pledge.

Pledge Scale

• £100 - Robot Agent will represent you at one meeting with an editor/publishing professional of your choice.
• £500 - Robot Agent will be turned on and represent you at one meeting with an  editor/publishing professional of your choice.
• $1000 - Er, two meetings?
• £50,000 - Robot Agent will turn up at a minor literary event of your choice and rampage. You can specify one target in particular.
• £10,000 - As above but a major event.
• £500,000 - Robot Agent will be let loose at the next London Book Fair and capture as many editors as possible for your manuscript to be presented to or to be forced to fight to the death in a giant spinning, flaming cage full of weasels.
• £1,000,000 - Robot Agent will publish your book and force everyone in the world to buy a copy, every day, until you die.

Click on the image to see Robot Agent in its full glory!

Technical Spec.

• Runs on a 486/Windows 95 box I have lying about in my loft.
• Cogs and pistons are important and vital.
• Wine tank carries 50 litres of wine for emergencies.
• Chocolate is also carried for emergencies.
• Speed estimates of 240,000,000km per second.
• Probably indestructible.
• Spiky.

Ladies and Gentlemen, place your pledges!

Cheers,

Mark

*Don't ACTUALLY rob people, ok?