Thursday, 29 December 2011

I was going to...

...write about how writing has ruined my reading life. About how I can no longer just read a book, I have to pick at it, pull it apart and see how it works (or not).

Then I found these pictures and videos of metal insects!

Here's a dancing mantis I'm particularly fond of.

Yay for dancing mantis!



Thursday, 22 December 2011

Amazing Writing Tips #7: Crash Those Christmas Parties

A normal Christmas party scene
Yes it's Christmas and that means parties, publishing parties. The parties you want to crash if you want your book to be published. Crashing parties can be a daunting thought but don't fear, I have years of experience to guide you through to that 5 book series deal. Read and learn, my friends, read and learn.

Gaining Entrance
Preparation is 99% of success. Everyone going to one of these parties will be smashed, all you need to do is splash some gin and vodka over your clothes and grab a couple of bottles of each. You'll be more welcome than Santa in an Orphanage. Oh, you might need a camera, see below.

Tactic 1: Blackmail
The first method to get that publishing deal is blackmail. There's more inappropriate touching at these parties than in a xxxxxxxxxx when the sdfsdfsdfsdfsdf visits. So as soon as you get there start flashing away (taking photos, lift your mind from the gutter) and you'll have all the evidence you need to blackmail that editor into giving you a deal.

Tactic 2: Smoooosching
If you want to go the more subtle route the best plan is to loiter by the bar waiting for a likely target to appear, agents and editors are best. Anyone from Sales and Marketing will just drink your wallet dry and then try to touch you inappropriately. Editors and agents can be easily identified, they look insane, can't afford proper clothes and usually have a raft of unpublished manuscripts tied to their backs.

Once you have your target, approach. The first, ABSOLUTE FIRST, thing you must do is buy them a drink. You'll be on every blacklist, from London to Ulaanbaatar, quicker than a xxxxxxxxx up a Schoolboy's xxxxxxxxxx if you don't do this. But once that drink is bought you're in, they'll agree to publish anything, probably even this blog.

Good luck, you'll have a book out by March!


P.S. Wasn't last week's blog weird?

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

I Know Nothing

I know nothing
Knowing nothing is tough. Last week I couldn't think of a single blog post idea, all because I know nothing and there are only so many authors I can insult on here and get away with it..

If you're reading this you probably know nothing too. You're probably read this in the hope that I'll say something daft or useful but I won't, as I know nothing.  I could recycle the stuff you've been told over and over again about dialogue and -ly  words and don't write about goblins because no one writes about goblins as they've been sent to Coventry. But you should know that and if you don't you'll find much better blogs about it elsewhere. So I won't and we'll just both be here knowing nothing.

So stop worrying about it and just write something. Or draw it if that's your thing. You might learning something, if you do let me know.



P.S. Actually I know loads and I'm awesome. I'm just not telling you my secrets.