Thursday, 19 April 2012

Books that Say Fart on the Front

In no way am I stuck for a blog idea!

Here are some books with 'Fart' on the front and my in-depth, expert analysis.

Doctor Proctor's Fart Powder has FART right in the centre to draw the eye immediately. This book is screaming that it's about farts and doesn't care who knows.

On Your Farts, Get Set, Go! is similar to Jo Nesbo's effort with the eye catching FARTS but this time they've worked it into an amusing pun and given the word FARTS a much more stinky look. I'm a little worried by the slightly subliminal CIA operative with a gun, is this some kind of secret brainwashing attempt?!

Will Farts Destroy the Planet has a cover where FARTS plays second fiddle to DESTROY and is clearly aimed to make you panic-buy the book and some corks.

Farts Happen is just weird. Why did they choose the camel? And an eskimo?! The cover design reminds me of those weird religious books you get where it all starts off happy but by page ten god is burning you if you don't obey him. I do like the style though.

So that was some books with FART/FARTS on the cover. I hope you enjoyed them.



P.S. Next week's blog will probably be Lauren apologising for this week's blog...

Friday, 13 April 2012

Kickstarter Appeal: Robot Agent

So instead of doing something interesting tonight (like go to a fancy book launch in London) I'm at home trying to save money. But I think you'll all agree that the best way to save money is to make money (or rob people*). With this in mind, earlier today, on Nick Cross's blog, I mentioned maybe he could build a robot agent instead of finding a puny, human one.

People liked this idea.

So below I have my blueprints for version #1 of my Robot Agent and some of the technical specs. if you have any questions, please, don't hesitate to ask. Obviously I'll be requiring around about £1 million to complete this project and I have a pledge scale below and what you'll get for that pledge.

Pledge Scale

  • £100 - Robot Agent will represent you at one meeting with an editor/publishing professional of your choice.
  • £500 - Robot Agent will be turned on and represent you at one meeting with an  editor/publishing professional of your choice.
  • $1000 - Er, two meetings?
  • £50,000 - Robot Agent will turn up at a minor literary event of your choice and rampage. You can specify one target in particular.
  • £10,000 - As above but a major event.
  • £500,000 - Robot Agent will be let loose at the next London Book Fair and capture as many editors as possible for your manuscript to be presented to or to be forced to fight to the death in a giant spinning, flaming cage full of weasels.
  • £1,000,000 - Robot Agent will publish your book and force everyone in the world to buy a copy, every day, until you die.

Click on the image to see Robot Agent in its full glory!

Technical Spec.
  • Runs on a 486/Windows 95 box I have lying about in my loft.
  • Cogs and pistons are important and vital.
  • Wine tank carries 50 litres of wine for emergencies.
  • Chocolate is also carried for emergencies.
  • Speed estimates of 240,000,000km per second.
  • Probably indestructible.
  • Spiky.

Ladies and Gentlemen, place your pledges!



*Don't ACTUALLY rob people, ok?

Wednesday, 11 April 2012


As someone who has been called a freak quite a few times (badge of honour) I have been intrigued by FREAKS (written by Caroline Smailes and Robert Mitchum Nik Perring, illustrated by Darren Craske) since I heard about it.

It's an invisible girl just in case
 you can't see her.
It's a selection of short stories featuring characters with unusual super powers; from a zombie hair dresser (look! she's there on the front, top right!) to a photocopying woman. Hold on, she doesn't just photocopy stuff, that'd be rubbish. She can duplicate herself. Such possibilities...

Sorry, drifted off there, so yeah, over 50 weird stories that twist the super power idea, helping you forget just how boring spider-man and Superman really are.

If you've got some ideas for super powers yourself you can tweet yourself into a competition to win some awesome prizes. Full details on Nik Perring's blog. I'm thinking I'd have wasps for eyes!

You can probably find FREAKS all over the place, but here are some links if you have to use the internet:

The Book Depository
Amazon Paperback
Amazon Kindle Edition

And as a special treat for you, here's a taster:

[Super Power: The ability to make oneself unseen to the naked eye]

If I stay totally still,
if I stand right tall,
with me back against the school wall,
close to the science room’s window,
with me feet together,
pointing straight,
aiming forward,
if I make me hands into tight fists,
make me arms dead straight,
 if I push me arms into me sides,
if I squeeze me thighs,
stop me wee,
if me belly doesn’t shake,
if me boobs don’t wobble,
if I close me eyes tight,
so tight that it makes me whole face scrunch,
if I push me lips into me mouth,
if I make me teeth bite me lips together,
if I hardly breathe,
if I don’t say a word.
I’ll magic meself invisible,
and them lasses will leave me alone.



Thursday, 5 April 2012

Early Influences

This photo surfaced of me in my, cheeky-smiles, still-had-bouffant-ginger-hair, school days. I'm not sure what the book is but I think it has a pirate on the front. I still like pirates. There's the influence on the rest of my life, right there.

There's no real point to this, I just thought you might want to embarrass or mock me in relation to this picture.