Thursday, 19 July 2012

Five Great Things to Include with a Posted Submission

Are you old school? Do you send your submissions out on paper and laugh at  all the dead trees? Well how about including some of these things to make your submission stand out.

  1. Some glamour shots - sex sells! Don't worry if you're a bit droopy, the person that actually reads your submission probably hasn't seen a real human for six months and will love you instantly. Drawback: They will stalk and kill you.
  2. A horse's head - nothing says 'take me seriously' like this tired cliché. But it's sure to get the message across and you'll be signing a book contract in your favourite Italian restaurant before you can say 'sleeps with the fishes'. Drawback: Horse's heads are big and heavy, postage will be massive and you'll probably have to pay to get the postman's uniform cleaned.
  3. A fluffy kitten - so cute you'll make an instant impression. Drawback - it'll take several days to arrive so make sure you add some cat food and milk to the package.
  4. An inter-dimensional portal to the universe where you are already a massive success - Literally show them what potential you have, admittedly by going to the universe where you don't post people kittens. Drawback: You'll have to break into CERN to steal it. It might also cause a Resonance Cascade.
  5. Yourself - then you can talk through any issues they have there and then. Maybe take a kitten with you. Drawback: I can't think of one.
I'll be trying all of these in the next 6 months. If you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks I'm probably lost in the post, living off the last of the kitten meat.