Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Amazing Writing Advice #23: Legal Complications

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. An unfortunate series of events transpired that meant I couldn't legally post any more advice to the blog.

Someone complained about my advice.

Not only did they complain, but they undertook legal proceedings against me.

How did this transpire?

It all started when I offered my services as an agent. A lot of people told me it would come to a bad end. But I still feel it was the right thing to do, people out there need my guidance, none more so than this individual who has decided to sue me.

To be fair the historical romance manuscript they sent to me was middling at best. But with a few improvements that I made myself (Set it in the future, made all the characters cats, added a 300 page dream sequence about chasing wool) it was ready for publishing. And it was only fair that I publish it using my favourite publisher (Welcome to the Jungle Press) and put my name on the front.

Happily the legal dispute has been resolved now, though the police are still asking a few questions. But it did occur that I might be able to offer you some legal advice if a similar situation occurs for you. So here's my guide to resolving legal conflict:

1. Bin the first letter
And the second, keep binning them until some one brings one personally.

2.Go for the kneecaps
Literally, take that person down and tie them up. It's handy to have a cellar or sound-proofed attic at hand during this part. Oh, and a baseball bat. Also don't get over enthusiastic and attack the postman.

3. Negotiation
Feed him Frazzles and magic mushrooms for the next 24 hours then release him onto Clapham Common in nothing but a pair of psychedelic socks.
Your role model in legal negotiations

4. Counter offer
You should still have the last letter. Go to the address on it at 3am with 5 litres of petrol, a box of matches and a balaclava (put the last one your head, not the first). Burn the office down.

5. Resolution
Assume the new identity you created in part C. Flee the country after faking your own death.

And that's how to resolve any legal issue you might one day encounter.


Manuel Baracas