Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Woot! Hoopla! and, indeed, Hurrah!

So in the universe where I'm not calling myself Manuel and living in a Brazilian hovel some very exciting things have been happening! Not only am I getting married in 25 days* and not only has my wedding hat arrived (and in the proper size!) but...

I've got an agent.

WHAT? I hear you shout.

WHO? I hear you exclaim.

CAN'T WE WARN THEM? I hear you cry.

No. No you can't. It's too late to warn them. I've signed with Alice Williams at David Higham. It's all been very exciting but I'm not going to tell you about that yet because I've got the other half of the bottle of champagne to finish and I have to pick my author photo.
The signing!

I'll be back soon (well within a couple of weeks probably) with the exciting details (which hat I wore to the meeting, how I overcame an exploding pen, the number of goats I had to sacrifice).

Cheers,

Mark

*Obviously had to put this in to keep Lauren happy.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Amazing Writing Advice #23: Legal Complications


Sorry for the lack of posts recently. An unfortunate series of events transpired that meant I couldn't legally post any more advice to the blog.

Someone complained about my advice.

Not only did they complain, but they undertook legal proceedings against me.

How did this transpire?

It all started when I offered my services as an agent. A lot of people told me it would come to a bad end. But I still feel it was the right thing to do, people out there need my guidance, none more so than this individual who has decided to sue me.

To be fair the historical romance manuscript they sent to me was middling at best. But with a few improvements that I made myself (Set it in the future, made all the characters cats, added a 300 page dream sequence about chasing wool) it was ready for publishing. And it was only fair that I publish it using my favourite publisher (Welcome to the Jungle Press) and put my name on the front.

Happily the legal dispute has been resolved now, though the police are still asking a few questions. But it did occur that I might be able to offer you some legal advice if a similar situation occurs for you. So here's my guide to resolving legal conflict:

1. Bin the first letter
And the second, keep binning them until some one brings one personally.

2.Go for the kneecaps
Literally, take that person down and tie them up. It's handy to have a cellar or sound-proofed attic at hand during this part. Oh, and a baseball bat. Also don't get over enthusiastic and attack the postman.

3. Negotiation
Feed him Frazzles and magic mushrooms for the next 24 hours then release him onto Clapham Common in nothing but a pair of psychedelic socks.
Your role model in legal negotiations

4. Counter offer
You should still have the last letter. Go to the address on it at 3am with 5 litres of petrol, a box of matches and a balaclava (put the last one your head, not the first). Burn the office down.

5. Resolution
Assume the new identity you created in part C. Flee the country after faking your own death.

And that's how to resolve any legal issue you might one day encounter.

Cheers,

Manuel Baracas