Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Amazing Writing Advice #24: The Secret of Synopsiseses

Synopsisesesses or, as I'll call them from now on, the pointless part of a query. I mean what's the point in writing the whole book and then trying to squeeze the whole thing onto one page? Madness! If it could fit on one page it would be about 400 words long. I have concluded that the pointless part of the query is never read by anyone important so you can just put what ever you like in as it. Here are some of my favourites:

Kitten ASCII Art

(.   \
    \  |   
     \ |___(\--/)
   __/    (  . . )
  "'._.    '-.O.'
       '-.  \ "|\
          '.,,/'.,,mrf


All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
If you find yourself typing
like this, seek help!

The Words to Witch Doctor

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang 
  Walla walla, bing bang
  Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
  Walla walla, bing bang...
  Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang 
  Walla walla, bing bang
  Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang 

  Walla walla, bing bang

What ever you put, it will have no effect on your query. So enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

Mark

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

The Fidgety Pit of Procrastination: A choose your own adventure

Part 1
You sit at your desk preparing to finish that difficult chapter you're trying to add to your book. Instead of starting, do you:

Draw a zombie to stimulate your brain: go to part 3.
Make a cup of tea to refresh you for the coming wordsmithery: go to part 2.

Part 2
As you approach the kettle you notice several dirty plates on the work top. Do you:

Stay focused and make a cup of tea: go to part 6.
Decide to load the dishwasher: go to part 5.

Part 3
The zombie is is so good, with disgusting intestines dribbling from its mouth and an eyeball hanging out of its socket, that you decide to take a picture of it and tweet it. You get several responses from other writers. Do you:

Ignore the comments and return to your writing: go to part 1.
Ask the writers how they deal with procrastination: go to part 4.

Part 4
The writers tell you that they turn off the internet and reward themselves with wine, biscuits, cake and shoes. However you're not sure you believe them as they're all on the internet. You think you could write a good blog post on procrastination. Do you:

Go back to your writing: go to part 1.
Write a blog post about procrastination: go to part part 7.


Part 5
After loading the dishwasher you clean the kitchen counters. You notice that the lounge needs hoovering but it is getting late. Do you:

Do the hoovering: go to part 8.
Force yourself to go back to writing: go to part 1.

Part 6
You make the tea and the phone rings. It is the most talkative friend you have. Yeah, that one. Do you:

Answer: go to part 9.
Ignore the call, you have to do some writing: go to part 1.

Part 7
You write the blog post and then post it, spending the rest of the night obsessively refreshing the stats to see how many views it gets. You don't do any writing. YOU HAVE FAILED.

Part 8
You do the hoovering and then polish the ornaments and paint the walls. Now it is too late to do any writing. YOU HAVE FAILED.

Part 9
You answer and your friend tells you all about the dog walk they went on on Sunday. It is 3am by the time you get off the phone and crawl into bed. YOU HAVE FAILED.

Next week I'll write THE AGENT OF FIRETOP MOUNTAIN!

Cheers,

Mark

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Book Pitch Rejections #4

Here are some more books I've had rejected recently.

The Spiders' Wedding
Sarah and Sammy Spider are getting married and all the other woodland insects have been invited. But the spiders get a little carried away and eat all the insects. Feeling bad they go to bed but Sarah feels a bit peckish and eats Sammy in the night. Sarah is eaten by her babies in the epilogue. Picture book.

The Praying Mantis' Wedding
Same as above but with praying mantises and the female is eaten by marauding ants.

The Humans' Wedding
LOOK AT OUR LOVELY WEDDING CAKE! IT LOOKS LIKE BOOKS!

The only thing we regretted eating

Cheers,

Mark