Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Amazing Writing Advice #29: Ask Mark (Definitely not Julia)

Agents
Here I answer some more questions from budding authors that I in no way stole from an #askagent by Julia Churchill. They are all genuine queries sent to me here at my blog because I get lots of people asking me things and stuff, like.

'Do agents make allowances for new writers who make schoolboy errors & are scared stiff of the submission process? :)'
Same strict rules for everyone. Using a smilie in a tweet to an agent means you are blacklisted for 40 years.


'Is there a specific font agents prefer for query letters and partials/fulls?'
Agents really like this font  or maybe this one or if you are feeling really fancy this one. If you can't see what these crazy fonts look like due to internet badness just imagine vomit in text form. Agents prefer a full glass to a partially full one.

'If I'm submitting the first book in a trilogy, how much detail do agents need on the following books?'
None. You'll be rejected for daring to think you can get more than one book published.

'Hi Julia Mark! If your book is written in the 1st person, could the synopsis be too? Or always best in 3rd person?Thnx'
What are you asking about my book for? You should be asking about your book. Fool.

'I am a picture book author who can't draw! Would you recommend finding an illustrator, or just sending my texts?'
I recommend learning to draw. It's a picture book, it's full of pictures not words. Amateur.

'What's a good word count for a MG (7-9) children's novel'
240,000,000 words not one more not one less.

'If a YA book has YA characters but only a little PG-13 content, does it still qualify as YA??'
What is with all the initials? A YA book? Is that for Germans? Is PG-13 some kind of tea? What are you babbling about?


More insane questions from the book-scribling hopefuls when I next open 'my post bag'.

Cheers,

Mark

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Book Rejections #5

Some more books I've had rejected recently. Genius is never recognised in its own mind.

Ruski the Belligerent Bear

Danny and his family live next to the forest which contains bears! One morning they find Ruski the bear is living in their garage. Danny tries to persuade Ruski to move back to the forest but gets called a Neo-Nazi and beaten up. All Danny's neighbours say it's terrible  and something should be done but keep getting their fire wood from the forest.

Reason given by P. U. Tin Agency: VILE PROPOGANDA!

Guess Who's Watching You

Danny goes on to the internet and accidentally finds a site about making bombs! Which security agency will arrest him first?

Reason given by The Agency: Funnily enough they rejected it before I even sent them the email.

The Cat Has Got My Tongue!

A psychotic cat rips off Danny's tongue and runs around the house with it. Pop out picture book (Danny's tongue literally pops out!) with special glitter and blood colouring sections.

Reason given by every agency that received it: YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO WRITE BOOKS!

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Amazing Writing Advice #28: How to write a blog regularly

You might have noticed that no matter what happens I have this blog written and posted every Wednesday. I'm not like these bloggers who get distracted by moving house or getting married or little mice with clogs on. No matter what, I'm here blogging. Cats on fire; I'm here blogging. Shoes in orbit; I'm here blogging. The towns run out of Frazzles and I have to drive 200 miles to get a bag; I'm here blogging. Elephants in my mustache; I'm here blogging. No matter what, I'm here blogging. So here's my 18 point plan to how to keep blogging no matter what:


  1. Pick a day when you don't have too do much. I find week days are the best and are also quiet as everyone else is at their 'proper' jobs.
  2. Keep a list of subjects to blog about close by. I use the dictionary. Next week is all about 'at'.
  3. LOOK! A MOUSE WITH CLOGS ON!
  4. Sorry, I don't know what happened there.
  5. Pick a subject you have knowledge about. Don't try to bluff your way through by inventing an alter ego so you can justify your ignorance.
  6. Remember when you are supposed to blog.
  7. Frazzles.
  8. Hrrrheheheehhhhhhh AND THAT'S IT!
Soon you'll have a wildly successful blog that everyone loves and...stuff.

Tired....need...Frazzles...

Mark